Alienated Parent

Mothers Day can be, without doubt, one of the hardest days to endure when you have been alienated.  Whilst every other advert seems to be an idea of how to spend money on that precious Mum, I was left thinking about how just a touch of a small hand, a look in on a sleeping child, preparing tea or helping pack my son off to school would have been the only gift I wanted.  It seemed to highlight the loss I endured but one thing I did know was that no matter what the circumstances, no matter how much hard work has been put in to make your child turn against you, you will be thought about on Mothers day by your child/ren.

Thomas and me talked about being apart on Mothers day and he told me that he thought about me when he was going to sleep, it became a secret, something to hide because he could not share it openly.  Despite being angry with me he also had deep feelings of missing me fuelled by my not being in his life, no matter whose fault it was, poor kid, he must have been so confused. I, in turn felt so angry, hurt and at a loss as to know how to get through the day.  I wrote lots and decided to do some really nice things for myself, it didn’t stop me thinking evil thoughts about my ex and what I could do to him but it did focus my attention on my love for my son even if it was unrequited.

This year is the 3rd year T has been back with me and  I still feel so blessed to have a grumpy teenager asleep in the room next to me and despite a rocky road with T sometimes, he is safe and sound under my roof, the greatest gift ever.  My heart so goes out to you if you are still filled with the constant worry, anxiety, distress, fear, horror and confusion, loss and sadness of not knowing how your child/ren are and how much they love and appreciate you.  I am sorry that anyone feels they have the right to take that most precious part of their childhood and your life away.  But deep down, like a pearl in the dark inside of an oyster shell, the love and connection still gleams for both you and your children no matter what comes out of their mouthes because you cannot have hate without having love.

I wish you all the strength and courage to get through Mothers Day holding your heads high and your hearts full of love for your beautiful children and pray that one day they know how much you loved them every day not just on Mothers day and that you too will know just how much they love you.

Considered yourselves hugged x x x

If  you have reached that awful place where you are no longer in contact with you beautiful children, you probably feel hopeless, helpless and powerless.  It felt to me as if I had finally let my relationship with my son slip through my fingers and spent days thinking about an awful lot of ‘if only’s’ and what I should/nt have done.  I revisited each scenario and wondered if I had done something differently, could things have been different – not helpful.  But no matter how low my self esteem and the need to be over responsible for everything that had happened, I knew that instead of dwelling on these things (and beating myself up at every opportunity) I needed to feel as if I am contributing to doing something – anything to feel as if I could be making some difference in my situation, the only antidote I know to help me feel less powerless. So here are a few ideas that may help you to feel like you can take a little step towards making a difference to your story of being a useless parent.

Write to your child, a few lines here and there about your day, how the weather is, how there pets are or other children, funny things that happened and how much you love and miss them.  On this site are 3 years of emails that I sent and saved for Thomas so that he would  know there was not a day that went past when I didn’t think about him, miss him and love him.  In my mind, I always had a question from him rattling around saying ‘what did you do mum to get me back?’ so here was something that he could see for himself and no matter what his father told him, I had evidence of what I really did.  I kept a printed copy and saved the emails on a disc (or memory stick) and was going to leave it with my solicitor along with my will, I never had to take that step but you could.

Thomas has yet to read these emails but one day his curiosity may lead him to read about the life that carried on without him, things he missed like his brothers football matches and his sisters messy room!  This act kept a focus on the positives, I chatted to Thomas about the everyday things as if he were here instead of concentrating on my grief and out pourings of rage.  I kept a separate note book where I scribbled rageful thoughts and hateful comments and I found this the other day and took great pleasure in burning it, no one should have to look at that, if they had, I may have ended up being locked away!

I contacted the school with a definition of what parental alienation is and remembered that I did have parental responsibility (and made sure I knew what the legal definition was) which means you can find out how your child is doing at school, you can even attend parents evening to talk with teachers.  I urge you to get a relationship with someone at the school, I felt so uncomfortable around teachers and other mums, I felt judged and when I spoke to the school, I felt like I was the one in the wrong until I started promoting Alienation and how it works.  It helped to change my focus and stopped me feeling such a victim.  I also built up a great relationship with some of Thomas’s teachers – at least I had an ally who could tell me how he was doing on a regular basis.  I also supplied some self addressed envelopes so they could send me a copy of his report and other school notices to keep me in the loop and also asked for an idea of the curriculum to keep up with what he was learning.  It helped me overcome my horrible conversation in my head that I was judged by all these people, they may have been judging me but I was also judging myself.  At least taking some positive action helped with my self talk.  I held my head up when I walked into school to talk to the head who was very loathe to get involved in anyway – he had, after all, hundreds of other children to worry about but handing him some information about alienation and the signs to look out for in children just may have gone a little way to softening the edge. Some of my worst memories were the feelings around school and how the other mums looked at me (we live in a smallish town where people knew my ex and he made sure everyone – my friends amongst them – knew about how bad a mother I was.  I would cry when I got back from school, on the days when I went to pick him up and he had been taken out of school early, I felt so humiliated and broken, walking out of the school gates without Thomas.

I contacted the Local Education Authority and sent them some information about my situation, they deal with the legal side of things like if you turn up at the school what action they should take.  My ex had taken steps to ensure I came across as the bad person who must be kept away from my child at all costs, I was incensed – they believed him and if I became upset of outraged it added to the story of how unreasonable I was so I made sure that I came across as reasonable and human (bloody hard work at times!).  I got to see just how manipulative my ex was, he painted a picture of me that was so false, it beggared belief.  I took every opportunity to make sure the people responsible for educating my son, were educated about PA.

I kept a copy of all texts and correspondence from my ex.  I read some of these things the other day, they are laughable now but always served as a way to stir me up, he knew my buttons and just how to press them.

I sent Thomas cards and books and small gifts, took pictures of each thing and kept proof of posting so again he knew I had remembered birthdays and christmas.  When I finally got to see Thomas, I had 3 years of gifts for him to open.

Thomas was taken out of the country and was in Morocco where there was no Haigue Convention but I contact the Foreign Office and they put me in touch with Reunite – a very good organisation who know the laws of different countries and gave very good support.  They also gave me tips on what to do in order to prevent my son being taken out of the country again, up to date pictures, finger prints and passport details – all very well if you have spent some time with your child but I hadn’t expected T to be taken out of the country.  The Foreign Office managed to track him down and arranged to meet with my ex in Morocco, this meeting didn’t go ahead as my ex didn’t make the meeting (typical) but it gives you an idea of the powers that the Foreign Office have.

The best thing I did was to keep myself from going insane was to be proactive, I talked to women’s groups, wrote to police, schools and solicitors to raise awareness, I single handedly educated CAFCASS in my area of just how manipulative my ex was – they still didn’t believe me, taken his word over mine every time until I asked why – it led to an official complaint in the end.

I learnt to love myself, a work in progress and still, even now 3 years on after getting Thomas back, I am still learning to forgive myself !

Hope some of these things may help you to feel like you can make a difference to your situation, if you have any tips or comments, please let me know, I am sure others would very much appreciation hearing the things that can help.

I am so pleased to hear that Atiya was returned to her mum Gemma Wilkinson yesterday safely.  After 3 years and probably a lot of tears on both sides, Atiya is back with her mum.  They will be getting to know each other again and I guess Atiya will have to get used to the British weather as well.  I was just thinking about her father and how determined he must have been to keep Atiya from her mum, so much so that he would rather go to prison than reveal the whereabouts of  Atiya.  And this is exactly why Atiya should be with her mum.  It seems to me that the obsession that drives a parent to take a child away – to another country, as in this case (and in my own case) must be incredibly overwhelming and to me a clear sign that they are not in really in charge of themselves, their obsession or their thinking.

Alienation may not have been at the bottom of this case but clearly the father was acting in accordance with his own thinking rather than what may be best for his daughter, which in my mind will always be two loving parents who may no longer live together but who both at the very least want to work out the best plan of action for their children, sadly though this is not the reality for many of us, alienators rarely think they are doing anything wrong or that the alienated parent is capable of doing even half the parenting job they do.

I do hope that Atiya and her mum don’t have too many bumps along their new path but I wish them all the love, they now have 3 years worth of hugs and kisses to make up for.

I would like to wish everyone a very Happy 2013.  I hope you can look back over this year and hold your head high because if nothing else, you can congratulate yourselves for getting through another tough year without your children and that in my book makes you a strong, courageous and wonderful person whose love for their child/ren knows no depths.  May the next year be filled with love and that the wish that something better is possible for you all.

Love and big 2013 hugs to you all

Clare x

I lit some Christmas candles as the light began to fade this afternoon and thought of all the parents out there that are not going to be spending Christmas with their children.  That thought seemed excruciating and I whispered a little prayer, offering up some love that I hope with find it’s way across our rain sodden country to you .  If you are on your own or without your beautiful children, I extend the warmest, biggest love filled hug to you.  I have shared your tears and spent hours wondering away the time about what my son would get in his stocking (if, indeed anyone even did it and of course no-one does it like mum or dad!).  I spent some terrible Christmas times wondering, pining, feeling so sad, feeling so angry and so powerless that my sweet boy was not in my life over these such traditionally family orientated holidays.  And yet somehow, I did manage to get through those awful days.  Having a new year to think about and the end of another awful one without T made me rethink how I could do this coming year differently.  Year ends are always good for looking at past, present and future.  And despite nothing much changing some years, the hope that I could make a difference in my situation always remained, it remains the best 4 lettered word I know!

If you are feeling down, troubled and weary why not write an email to your children telling them how much you think of them over these holidays, even if you don’t send it, keep a copy so that one day they will know that another Christmas and New Year may have come and gone but they were always in the centre of your mind, heart and soul.

Do something really nice for your self, buy yourself a gift, something that gives you ‘me’ time and involves some pampering, you have to love you extra at times like these.

I was talking with someone yesterday and we were saying that there is something so very precious about knowing that you are not alone (although I fully acknowledge that it can feel like you are the only one in the world and that no-one can imagine what it feels like or what you are going through!).  As human beings, we tend to group together although, these days more and more, isolation and loneliness seems to be on the rise.  But somehow, when I found out there were others who knew my struggle, who knew the depths of my feelings, the utter despair and inability to change what was happening meant so much to me.  (I know it may sound victim-y but when you have had your child/ren taken away from you and it is not your choice, it does make you a victim, I just think it not so healthy to dwell too long in that place.) It meant I was not going mad, not unique, special and different in my inability to change the situation or have enough energy left to keep on fighting, others knew, experienced the same feelings and carried on living their lives somehow and if they did, I could !

I do believe your children will always be thinking and remembering Christmas’s with you, remembering sweet times, gifts and early mornings getting up to presents and turkey later on.  It is these child hood memories that stay with us, I still have some of my own tucked away in the recesses of my mind, and no matter how horrible some of my childhood was, Christmas was always magical with pine scented trees, real, wonky candles clipped on the tree and baubles that the cat would swipe at and so easily break back then, my parents in their best clothes and chocolate overdoses.  The life and times that you created with and for your children can never be taken away!

I do hope that you manage to get through this time with some love around you.  The parents who have your children truly do not know how deeply cruel they are being not only to you but also to the children by keeping you apart.

With snowy, jingle bells, mince pies and lords a leaping, I wish you a Very Merry Christmas and a HOPEFUL 2013.

All my love to you all,

Clare x

If you are living apart from your child/children and it is not your choice and even if it is come to that, every day can feel unimaginably painful and empty, pointless and utterly miserable. The nights can feel so very empty, full up only with an oceans of tears and 3am is so very lonely.  To me I felt the physical ache of loss and at times I felt dangerous when left to my own devices.  I remember my partner being so concerned for my wellbeing one day, he took me to Wales, a 2 and a half hour drive in the car, rather than leave me alone in the house because I was having such a bad day,  I was literally driving myself crazy.

Shutting down, isolating, turning to alcohol, food, sex, gambling or depression, sleep or insomnia, rage and living in pain can be some of the ways we ‘deal’ with what is happening to us, it is a way of coping, not the best way maybe but it is a way of just getting through and often, those things do get us through.   As our hearts feel like they are breaking and our heads begin their mash up, looping and never ending tapes of ‘what is the point?’ ‘I am a bad parent’, I did/I didn’t …..’ and all the other crap you can pour on yourself from a great height and that takes you aways from that constant message can be powerful and diverting but can also be so destructive.

But, is there another way of coping? How can we help ourselves? Many counsellors believe we have within us our own answers but how many of us have enough money and time to share with a professional even if we find the right fit with one? Where are we taught acceptance of the very worst that life has to offer us? How do we learn to live with the constant, chronic and disabling pain of missing our children?

When Thomas was taken away, I spent a lot of time trying to find answers,  I read self help books, I saw Drs and asked some of the counsellors I worked with as I worked as a counsellor, surely someone would have some answers.  I talked and talked to anyone that would listen (and many didn’t want to). I searched and searched on line to find some answers. During my journey, I learnt as much as  I could about how we work and how we don’t work.  I thought that all that wealth of information and understanding might help to change the way I felt so I could start operating more like a rational human being.  I explored my own ability to learn what we do with our pain.  Whilst doing this my ex stepped up his alienation of Thomas and I felt more and more powerless to do anything about what was happening to my son.  My ex just kept doing things I didn’t expect and that I couldn’t get my head around, I could not believe anyone could be so cruel.  I kept asking why he hated me so much to do this.  I had to find some answers and so I started researching other cases and what the experts had to say in order to answer that question and I am still learning!

Working with others did help me to see other perspectives.  I saw that we can get entrenched in our own thinking, we react to our feelings and act out on them.  I came to realise how little people want to listen to the really deep and painful parts of being a parent apart .  I learnt to fear what others (and myself) may think and judged myself so harshly going on the vibes I picked up from them. I was a grown up, a mum in pain with no-one to really show me just how to start heal me.  I lost friends and family members walked away, I lost my belief in myself and used not having Thomas in my life as a way of bashing myself over the head for being such a failure. I reached the bottom of the pit, made myself comfortable and settled in, I was there so long I even considered furnishing my rut.  Deep inside though, somewhere through all the murk and misery, I knew that life was still beautiful, I caught glimmers of a beautiful sunset, heard the birds singing just for me and watched the flowers blossoming amongst other wonders, which touched my heart and soul deeply and reminded me of what it was to be alive.

We were lucky enough to go on a once in a life time wonderful holiday to the Maldives and whilst there, I came across some clown fish (like Nemo) with tiny babies that inhabited their own nursery,  living amongst a coral that stings other fish, I picked up a shell, named it Thomas and dropped it by the clown fish, in the beautiful clear, warm blue waters of the little island we were staying on and came up from the reef crying my eyes out – not easy with a snorkel in your mouth! It helped though and it was the beginning of something much bigger for me – acceptance.  I will write about this separately because it is such a huge subject.  I did this in a bid to start letting go of the pain.  It was a symbolic action and it really did start something inside me that felt like a climb out of the poo. It reminded me that there is still beauty to be appreciated and that I could see it and feel it, things that made my heart beat faster, that made a smile play across my lips and take my breath away.

Beginning to heal from life threatening wounds that are left after being alienated from my child didn’t feel much like a choice but who wants to stay in that place really and for how long could I keep doing that to myself, what would I be saying to someone else in the same position ?  Facing up to horrible things (self made or otherwise) can be the start to feeling less pain, believe it or not, less sadness, less anger and letting more love into you and out of you. If you can think back to all the difficult things in your life, how have you faced them, what you did to get over them and what were the consequences of staying stuck? There are clues there for you to examine, to start finding your own coping strategies.

Below are some of the things that I did that helped me and I really, really hope that you can find just a little bit of respite from them if you do them for yourself and if not perhaps you could tell me what you do that helps or what doesn’t help?

I bought two note books, one I wrote horrible angry things in about me, about me ex, about how unfair life was and other victim-y stories, some justified, some ranting, raving loony madness that I am ashamed of now but had to get it out stories.  It was the book I wrote how I really felt and I hasten to add, the things I would never do but felt like doing.  In the other book, I started to write a list of how I would like to behave and feel. I then looked at what was stopping me from acting in a higher path type of way. Being angry and depressed is a natural reaction and I didn’t feel bad about this but it wasn’t really getting me anywhere and I wanted to shift some of the feelings I had.

I finally found a good lawyer who really understood Parent Alienation and recognised it.  This was vital, I had 2 other lawyers who although I had good relationships with them, were almost ineffectual, not because of their professional ability but just because they could not believe just how manipulative my ex was prepared to be.

I tried to find someone to trust outside the family, to share my inner feelings, it took a while, I felt let down by many people who just didn’t understand or who were just so hard with my shattered heart.  This is so important.  My partner was/is wonderful but he was part of the story and I had to try and cope with and smooth over the extreme feelings he had sometimes about being involved in all the mess made it difficult to be objective.  I found someone who was not judgemental and who wouldn’t collude with me into believing my own judgements about myself.

I wrote emails to Thomas everyday for 3 years.  They are on this blog and Thomas knows about them now.  It should that he really was in my thoughts everyday no matter what rubbish he had been told.  I kept it light, told him of funny things, times of missing him and what the other kids were up to.  He hasn’t read them yet but one day, I am sure he will want to know. He could never throw that horrible line to me asking me if I cared so much what had I done to be with him.

I kept wondering about karma.  Did I get what I deserved ? – maybe, did my ex eventually get what he deserved?  Yes he did and nothing, not the most horrible things I could have thought of, could match what actually did happen to my ex in the end.  I will write about that one of these days, for anyone that ever wonders if people get away with things, he didn’t and although I don’t wish to appear smug because it doesn’t become me, he really went through a horrible time and none of it was my doing.

Learn to forgive yourself for not doing the right thing at the right time.  A lot of my motivation was just for peace or because I was so afraid.  People do a lot worse things for much less important reasons.  A really good question to ask yourself if you struggle with self forgiveness is to ask yourself what you would say to someone else, would you sentence them to a life imprisonment in their own head?

Learn to love yourself.  I am still doing this after all this time, I find I am the harshest critic of my life, no one can ever be as horrible about me as I am.  Loving myself looks like eating a good healthy breakfast, treating myself with respect and taking time out for me, to restore my harmony, without doubt a difficult one but even if my ex couldn’t treat me well (or Thomas) I could, I was absolutely and totally worth it. Love yourself from the inside out.

If you have any coping strategies, please, please do let me know. I would love to hear how you manage to keep going.  Never, ever forget, if you are going through this living nightmare, you really are stronger, more courageous and warrior like than you could ever have imagined.  Facing the pain of loss, unrequited love and powerlessness takes extreme amounts of energy and resources, YOU ARE AMAZING! Replace the extra energy by maintaining a good diet, vitamin B complex can help, lavender oil is wonderfully comforting at bed time.  A warm bath – haven’t got time? stop doing that ironing and take 30 minutes to treat yourself to a candle lit, bubble filled treat.

Give up hating you ex – you have got to love your kids more than you hate your ex.  I am trying to put something together that will help with this, it’s called the Parenting Promise and I really hope it will help parents who cannot move forward by promising to commit to being the best parent you can be to your child even if you are no longer a married couple and hate, despise and wish your ex something very bad, I am hoping Parent Promise with help both you, your ex and most importantly your children – more about this soon.

My love and warm wishes go out to all of you living without your beautiful children.  You are always in my thoughts and I am here if you ever need some ears.  Xxx

The story of Jennifer Jones has been in the news papers today and it tugs at my heart strings.  The Welsh mother had failed in her attempt to gain residency of her children.  She then failed to return to their father in Spain after being ordered by the court to do so and went on the run.  Jennifer and the children have now been found and she and her partner are being interviewed by the police and will appear in High Court today for contempt of court and abduction.  The parents have been fighting over residency since 2008.

I cannot help but wonder how the judge got the understanding that the children would be better off with their father given the depth of feeling that the children have poured out in their letters that were shown in the news paper report.  The judge says the children only expressed a preference to stay with their mum.

As we know it is never straight forward and we cannot really know what has gone on in all those years leading up to the courts decision but I would take a guess that the children, apart from being caught between warring parents, were scared to truly say what they wanted for fear of hurting either of the parents.  Looking from the outside, not knowing the details, it would be almost impossible to say which parent the children should live with, how could you ever really make a decision that works for everyone that everyone will be happy with?  And that is the difficult and awful decision that has to be made when parents split up.  However, with my inside information, having been through such a long battle myself, I would hazard a guess (and yes I clearly am biased) that a mum that has gone to such great lengths and risks some kind of court action, must feel that the children want to be with her despite what the Judge has ordered. Why would the children write they want to live with their mum so much and the Judge come to the conclusion that they would be better off with their dad? Why the discrepancy?

My heart does go out to all involved in this case, both the parents and the children will all be suffering and I can only imagine the stress levels and the heartbreaking feelings that accompany a case like this.   It seems a decision about where children should live can never really be okay for all involved as both parents clearly love their children.  But to have to face contempt and abduction charges for loving your children so much doesn’t seem like the right course of action either, desperate measures are taken for a reason.