I wrote to Denise Robertson of the ITV This Morning programme. I wrote to tell her of my situation and because I wanted to raise awareness about PAS. I got a reply from one of the counsellors that work on Denise’s behalf. She said that she felt for me and saw that I had a need to ‘be heard’ but she also said that she was sceptical of PAS and that she didn’t like labelling. I replied back in a fit of pique that it really doesn’t matter what you call this set of behaviours, there are many people that get in touch with me and tell me that they are so relieved to find out that what they have been going through has been recognised and understood, that their experiences can be validated and that we, the alienated parent, are not going insane.
The reply I received also prompted me into making a decision about court. I have been passive in my approach to what has been happening to me and Thomas in part because I am afraid of what it opens up in my life. My partner calls it coming to the boil. I have got to this place on many occasions and backed down simply out of fear and lack of belief in myself. And, I am heartily sick of my self image as seen through the bad alienated parent that must have done something to deserve the situation I find myself in, I have decided that it is time to look at myself differently, I know that I deserve to have my son in my life what ever his father says.
I have been in touch with my solicitor, we talked about the next steps and the likely cost of taking this case back to court. What I have had to weigh up in my mind is whether this action will actually make any difference. My worry is that if Thomas has been so alienated and says he does not want or is to frightened to have contact with me. What I need to find out is that if Thomas says he does not want to see me, will the judge/court have to uphold this point of view or will it be challenged by the court and surely the judge will wonder how it got to this stage. It does feel like I am taking an expensive gamble on court proceedings to find out that I can’t see my son because his father has completed the act of alienation.
I have to face this situation now and go through it. I know it will not be easy and all I can do now is find the courage to face my fear.