Pam Richardson’s book on parental alienation is a must-read
I came across this book on Amazon whilst researching for other books on PA, it is by Pamela Richardson a mother who went through PA with tragic consequences. Although I am only a quarter of the way through, there are so many similarities and it’s overwhelming. I would recommend anyone going/having gone through PA to read this book. You will know you are not alone, that you are NOT going mad and it is not just what you are doing/not doing as a parent.
The manipulation of a young mind and in my case, my own flimsy belief in myself work perfectly in the hands of an obsessed father. It is amazing to read in this book some of the things that have also happened to me, like the schools thinking my son was ok and although a bit behind with school work, he would catch up. That my son only behaved badly with me and therefore it was something I must be doing was difficult to understand, I was always trying to rationalise it by saying that any child that was split between both parents would be angry with their situation, what is difficult is trying to figure out what is ‘usual’ in divorce/tough custody battles. I actually came across PA when I was looking at Oppositional Defiance Disorder because I thought there had to be something out there to help me understand my son and his behaviour. PA started to help me make sense of the madness I felt I was in.
My aim in writing this blog is to try and help deal with the feelings that I have experienced, there is so little help out there, counselling is an option but it is expensive and not enough people are qualified to deal with PA. What do you do with the anger, rage, the invisibility, the love, the pain, the denial and all the other feelings ? Learning to live with PA is a lifetimes’ work.
on Nov 10th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
You can say it again. “Learning to live ith PA is a lifetime’s work.” I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I know your feeling as I too am victim and got myself involved with the wrong person. I wonder how many realize we are part of the equation, sometimes at least. Of course I cannt fault myself for not doing what I was not prepared to do. I have reached adulthood as a needy person. Those needs developed from an unavailability of love and mirroring that my parents did not have to give. I was compelled to be drawn to those like them in my unmet childhood needs driven deep into my gut. I wonder if that book has been written.
I have to forgive myself however. I must continue my work for recovery and life. I am much better now as a judge of character and seeking those who can nurture my needs.
But then there is my daughter who at 23 years of age still cannot pick up the phone and call not having seen me for seventeen years and another at 13 years of age who has never seen me because her mother too manufactured and clung to a belief that she is justified in denying that child her father, with the mantra that I never wanted her.
What a pathetic manner of destruction going on daily on this planet of humanity, while the Earth’s other creatures just hope they dont get anihilated by usm along the way.
I pary that processes will advance to stem this tide of devastation somehow.
Robert Gartner
Houston, Texas
on Nov 10th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Thanks for your comments Robert. I absolutely agree, we are part of the problem and of course part of the solution. It took me a long time to see that I wasn’t all of the problem, being over responsible was my story.
I also agree that recovery must happen, healing this kind of wound takes a lot of self love. Self awareness is key and understanding the result of your point of view about your self is a journey of a lifetime. Writing about PA is a start to raising awareness so others can hopefully start to recover or at least find some peace. Warm wishes to you.
on Feb 5th, 2012 at 4:47 pm
It is such comfort to read about others out in the ether feeling something similar to me….though tragic that any of us suffer something avoidable…ie. PA.
I was married to a GP for 20 years. We have 2 children, a daughter 16 & a son 14. Clearly they are at difficult ages & stages in their young lives…..but the things that I have heard their father say about me in front of me, never mind behind my back, have been inexcusable….eg. telling me how much I’ve cost him financially, phoning me & telling me to stop threatening him…whilst the children are in earshot. They have been manipulated & brainwashed in a very clever way.
I work as a health visitor, hence I have a good understanding of child development & positive parenting. I can not believe that the, once so strong, open & loving relationship that I shared with both my children is now so tattered.
My exhusband is clearly so full of anger towards me….I left him for another man after years of feeling no love. He has been with a very close ex friend of mine ever since. I am now on my own…have been for almost 2 years. I am very lonely & low but try as hard as I can to smile & talk myself up…in the vain hope that one day my children will want a relationship with me again…though I find it very difficult. The pain of a mother separated from her children is crucifying.
If my story can be of help to anyone going through PA then please get in touch.
on Feb 6th, 2012 at 12:20 pm
Hi Jo,
Thank you for your story. My heart goes out to you! There is little that I have experienced in my life that hurt as much, physically or mentally (and there has been much) as not being ‘allowed’ to have contact/relationship with my child, I understand the pain you feel only too well. I also recognise in what you write, the bewilderment at how your children have become so removed because of what your ex feels, it is just so hard to comprehend why so one who professes to love his children would hurt them by keeping you away, such are his feelings. Dealing with the feelings is so very difficult, where do we learn to cope with this kind of thing? I wrote in order to get the feelings out of me a bit. I found that whilst I harboured those feelings inside me, they rotted the core of me. Coping with these intense feelings is without doubt the most difficult thing to do. One of the things Sarah Hart from Match Mothers says is that it may help to imagine that your children left home earlier than you had planned, trying to change the thinking so that you can bear to live with how you feel. There is no fix for the pain we feel as parents apart from our children but talking about it openly certainly seems to help dispel preconceived ideas and judgements that others seem to hold about us so easily without know the truth. Please email me if you feel the need, just know though that you are not alone.
Warm wishes to you, Clare x
on Feb 7th, 2012 at 8:28 pm
Hi Clare….what a comfort to hear from you. The pain of living without my children is killing me mentally & physically. I have texted my daughter today, asking for a chance to make things better….but no reply….as usual. Sometimes I just don’t know how I can carry on this facade of a life. Not only did I loose the love of my husband but to loose my contact with my children too….how my life has changed. I am a shadow of my former self….& I wish I could & would come back again.
I apologise for this outpouring of self-pity….will pull myself together again.
I take on board the suggestions of imagining that they have left home earlier than planned…I have tried this previously….but it doesn’t help….given that I would have found that natural progression difficult enough, but with the support of my husband, we would have got through it together.
I have, to date , had a Christian faith….but am struggling to understand how any God could let this continue….it’s a living nightmare.
What’s your story Clare? How do you cope? Does it make you feel angry when you hear about the deal of father’s in the press? What about us mothers?
Am sending love. Jo.x
on Jul 24th, 2012 at 11:18 am
Hi Clare and Jo
It is very comforting to know there are other mothers dealing with this awful awful nightmare. The pain at times is unbearable particularly the pain in the pit of my stomach. I walk into their bedrooms and wonder why and how it could have ended up this way. I also cannot help wondering why the strength of my love wasnt strong enough for them to stay with me. I did and have done my absolute best for them in light of the extreme difficulties I had with my ex husband – (family barrister who ran circles round the Courts, schools, social services and doctor so that they all backed off). I feel lost, lonely and humiliated really.
I have decided to take a Bhuddist attitude and stand right back in the hope that the children will get so sick of him, that they will want to go come home and never go back again. I am convinced a mothers love and bond with her children can never be broken.
on Aug 14th, 2012 at 8:32 pm
I had no idea that this situation really existed to anyone else, until a few days ago. I have known for a very long time that my son was being manipulated and controlled by his step-mother. I have been going through this since 2009 and she has finally got me completely cut out of his life. I have not gotten to see my son since January and feel as though I am dying inside. The pain is almost unbearable and seems to be getting worse every day. I have a daughter (who lives with me) and step-children, therefore am forced to pretend as though I am “fine” with things. When they are not home…I spend the majority of my time crying. Right now, I am just trying to figure out what to do from here. I have no idea what religion any of you are, and do not want to offend anyone, but I have found a song that I have been listening to. It’s soooo perfect for my situation and perhaps yours. Please listen to it….perhaps it will help you even if just a tiny bit (like me). The name of the song is called “Losing” by Tenth Avenue North. I would love to talk to anyone in a similar situation! I need advice…..and I can try to give advice as well
Thank you for listening to me!!!
on Aug 15th, 2012 at 7:24 am
Hi Lauren, glad you found the site. I think it helped me to know others have experienced what we go through if only because it means we are not going mad! I was in the same position as you, I could not believe that there was a name for what I was going through, it felt so jumbled up and confused. Over the years, I have come to see the pattern (sadly) that seems to show itself. I understand exactly what you mean about feeling as though you are dying inside Lauren, I am so sad that you and anyone in our situation has to feel such difficult and heartbreaking feelings. I will write more on my blog about how I found dealing with my feelings. It’s not easy but if getting through the day, hour, minute or second is all you can do, well, I would never get marks out of 10 for style and grace but I am still here! I hope you can find some good support, talk to your GP – ‘pretending’ everything is ok is like denying you have a son and whilst I know that trying to get on with life is so very hard, pushing the feelings down means that one day, they will have to come back up (usually in a volcano). Take care of yourself ! Clare x