Alienation or just a ‘normal’ teenager?

T is a month or so off being 13.  For the past year, I have been so grateful to have him back in my life.  Inevitably along with T’s return comes some problems and difficulties.  I have had the wonderful and sometimes difficult but always a learning and growing experience of bringing up 2 other children who are now into their twenties. My partners 2 boys who are teenagers now have also given us all kinds of challenges in terms of how teens can be. And we are rewarded often by them all when they are wonderful and sweet, it makes all the hard work and arguments worthwhile.

T, of course, is a slightly different kettle of teenage fish.  Yesterday whilst lazing on the sofa, he saw that the cat wanted to come in and said ‘mum let the cat in’ I retorted ‘no you let the cat in’ to which he replied ‘ lazy’.  I was so annoyed, we had words after this exchange.  It really presses my buttons, the slave mentality he has!  That I am just there to wait on him.  This morning, I had made his packed lunch for school with nothing sweet in the house, I gave him some money to buy something at school.  He came down stairs this morning and saw the money and said ‘no lunch then’ in such a snarly way.  Now I know I am a sensitive little flower but I am also a women who wants my male children not to take women for granted, not to expect a woman to do something he is perfectly capable of doing, I want them to be able to take care of them selves, learn to cook and learn what it takes to run a home because these things are so under valued by all of us (and yet when they are not done, everyone notices).

There are things that need to be done in a house to keep it running and as a responsible parent and woman, I have to do things for my children and my partner because I have the time when I am not writing.  But the education of teaching our children to become adults has to cover valuing self and each other.  We are reaching a time in T’s life where he needs to learn to do things for himself, learn to take responsibility for himself.

Of course T has had a helping hand in not valuing women.  His father had a very poor relationship with his mother, she failed to protect him early on in his life and I believe that he has spent the rest of his life projecting his pain and anger onto all the other women in his life (I must have got the lions share).  I am sure during the time that T was away from me that he heard his father put me down.  When I was working he told me constantly that I should not be counselling because I was so damaged myself, I would simply reply that he should take care his own side of the street.  Whilst training, I always looked at myself and my behaviour, I did a 12 step program 17 years ago.  Continuing to take an inventory of self is one of the most important aspects of recovery, I continue to do it everyday, I have awareness and I practice everyday.  I want T to learn this to.

T has an attitude towards me that is thinly masked and at times if not rude then he is angry towards me.  Not much different from many other teenagers I am sure but with where T has come from it is not difficult to work out that some it is clearly from being alienated.  So when I am presented with a young man who just wants to put me down in every sentence he speaks, I want him to really take a moment and think about what he is saying and why.  Alienation taught him some stuff, so I am not surprised and he is perhaps used to it but hasn’t really stopped to think about what he is saying.

Communication is so very important, it is the most important thing to me, with words we have the ability to express our love, joy, pride and anger but it must be done appropriately otherwise we hurt others and ourselves.  I have a rule about being impeccable with my word that I learnt from The Four Agreements by DonMiguel Ruiz.  He says ‘speak with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to a group about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love’.

If I can teach T these life skills in the time that I have to try and turn him around, I will do all I can, in the meantime I will try to be the example.  It is not always easy and I am no saint but I do aspire to be a better person and I so want that for my son.