I had a phone call from my solicitor yesterday, he had received the final report from T’s Guardian which says she is happy with the way contact is working and the family assistance order has now ended. So apart from preparing myself for the massive legal bill, I am celebrating a complete victory especially given where we started from (little to no chance of getting T back).
T is now 13 and a half. He spent the first 2 years of his life with me. From the age of 2 onwards, his father did as he pleased around care and contact from T’s school and major decisions, he never cc’d me and consulted me about anything. For the last 18 months, the role has reversed and I now do the primary care. The difference between us is that I believe T should have always had both parents in his life and his father didn’t.
Until we find some way of getting hurt and angry ex’s to separate their feelings about the ex’s from their childrens’ needs, it will always remain a difficult area to deal with in legal terms. We are dealing with emotions not laws. I am still not really sure what keeping T away from me was about for T’s father, maybe I never will. I spent so many hours desperately searching my mind, heart and soul to find a way of living with the knowledge that my child was out there somewhere and I didn’t know how/where he was and what he was doing, what he was eating, how he looked and what he thought. I know now that I am not alone, there are many parents who do not have their children in their lives and it is so very sad that a person has the power to damage relationships to this degree. There are no words that can help to heal the pain and absence, the loss and sadness, the futility and the uselessness, the anger and the frustration and the huge hole that is left when our children are not in our lives.
There were so many days when I cursed the day I met T’s dad, I am still not sure I have forgiven myself for inviting him into my life and creating a child that bound us forever. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I regret having T but I wished I had anticipated where the problems I saw earlier on in our relationship would lead. I wished I had been more honest with myself about the reasons I was creating a life and I know I cannot change the past though only my reactions to it, forgiveness is hard to give to myself, I will carry on working on that, I guess I must still get some sort of payoff for not being able to yet.
I am so thrilled to have T back in my life, in my care, under our roof and in his bed and to be able to give him love and laughs and haircuts (he seems to be growing it (-:). T seems happy too. He had overnight contact with his father the other day for the first time, it seemed to go well and he seemed to enjoy himself and still, as big as he is now, wanted a big cuddle when he came back. I know I am lucky, I know that not everyone has a fairy tale ending.
I wish you all a very peaceful and loving Christmas, I will light a candle for all of you who are not with their children and another for all the children who are not with their loving parents on Christmas day. I say a little prayer and hope that your pain and sorrow, tears and fears and your love for your children becomes a gift instead of a millstone because living without our children may not be how we want it but somehow or rather, we do survive it, you are amazing, don’t ever forget it. My love to you all. x x x